Here we go again......

well you got one positive post, mark it on your calendars girls! LOL I'm feeling very down and don't want to drown my friends and online communities with my sorrow so I turn to my good old friend blogger. Always there for me, just listens, doesn't interject and wonderful people usually pop by and give me support.
I hurt so much right now....friday the 24th was my due date for my pregnancy in May. With my first miscarriage I was pregnant with Kirsten by my due date so my last 2 miscarriages I've been babyless by my due date. My heart litterally aches....it used to just ache when I saw a pregnant woman, or read about a new arrival but it seems to be constantly in my thoughts right now. I took a pregnancy test this morning cause I'm 6 days late and to my dissapointment it was negative. But at the same time that I was dissapointed I can't help but think if it was positive what kind of emotions that would bring. I can't loose another baby...I can't do it. Heaven forbids if it happens again of course I will deal with it, but in my mind I keep thinking I cannot do it.
I feel so blessed to have my little miracle Kirsten, the longer all these problems go on I can't help but think she might be my one and only miracle and that thought kills me. I'm not giving up by any means...but I can't help but wonder how I can have one baby but not be able to carry another.
Words can't express my gratitude for my online friends and in real life friens that have supported me. I'm in need of constant upliftment. Someone I barely know and haven't met in person sent me a special candle. Its an aeromatherapy candle make to comforst a healing heart. It meant so much to me, that someone I barely know cares so much.
I'm done for now, my hurt is beyond tears now.....
Thanks for letting me post my feelings blogger old buddy and for those who listen.